CNN-CONTAMINATED NEWS NETWORK

AMERICA'S NEW DISEASE-CNN

If this America's most trusted news network, then the National Enquirer is America's most trusted newspaper. CNN has become a network that thrives on sensationalism, bias and hate mongering. They have an agenda that promotes racial tension. The news is not even their priority. They don't have 'reporters', they have self-aggrandizing, self-promoting scum bags who have no interest in objective reporting.

Can't get the taste.....

ANDERSON COOPER

-Anderson was born with a sliver spoon shoved so far up his ass, Roto-Rooter couldn't get it out. His older brother, Carter, took a header off the balcony of their New York pent house, probably as an act of desperation given the fact he had a brother like Anderson and a mother by the name of Gloria Vanderbilt.

-He thrives on human suffering while giving a false air of compassion. He was the first reporter into Haiti. Anderson standing there in his $300 shirt, $500 slacks and $2000 shoes didn't seem to suit the atmosphere of total devastation and human misery.  (continued tomorrow)

IS TIGER WOODS A DICK

SHE BIT MY COCK

What exactly is the big fucking deal about this guy? Is it because he is rich? Black on the outside and White on the inside? He was once a great golfer? All of these, or maybe none of these? I was a huge fan of his until the deviant and anti-social behavior shattered his image. I think he is a major dick now. Let's take a look at the world of Tiger.

Golf Legacy

-Even though he was making an obscene amount from sponsorship and tournament money, the dick had the gall to demand a percentage of the purse just to show up.

-No other pro golfer has displayed such unprofessional behavior as Tiger. Yesterday, at the Masters, not only was he golfing like a retard, he let loose with a variety of obscenities, including God Damn, shit and a whispered fuck it! Then he threw and kicked his 9 iron.

-At a tournament in England he beaned a little kid with a club swung in anger. The dick made a feeble attempt at an apology.

-How many times has he withdrawn during a tournament because of injury? It usually happens after a couple of bogies or there is no chance of him winning. Dickish behavior to say the least.

ENDORSEMENTS

-After the public found out about his multiple affairs during his marriage, he resurrected his dead father in a Nike commercial just to get back his huge endorsement with this corporation. 

RELATIONSHIP WITH BLACKS

-This is one of the most interesting aspects of Tiger. Blacks defend his deviant and anti-social behavior just because he is Black. Given the fact he distances himself from Blacks seems lost on them.

-His social, sexual and family life illustrate his ethnic preference is White. He's married White. His dalliance with porn stars, club girls and hos have been White.

-Is this fact lost on Blacks? If he wasn't rich and famous would he not epitomize an 'Uncle Tom'? 

HIS MARRIAGE

Go to YouTube to see the ridiculous remarks concerning his ex-wife Elin. I'm not being racist,but just stating the facts. Nearly every remark calling her a bitch, gold digger, cunt, backstabber, is authored by a Black. As hard as it is to understand why men would be hard on her, I can't believe women would be critical of her! What the fuck did she do wrong other then marry a philandering dick who couldn't keep his cock in his pants. Did she have an affair? From all reports, she was was a loving, caring and dutiful wife.

-Elin displayed her sense of class, moral standards and self-esteem by divorcing this prick. Look at Kobe Bryant's wife. She was bought off with a huge diamond ring after Kobe was charged with sexual assault. Even if the sex was consensual, the deviant was fucking around on her. Magic Johnson's wife was3 months pregnant was 3 months pregnant when he announced to the world that he was banging hundreds of women and was mow afflicted with HIV. His $millions guaranteed she was sticking with this philanderer.

-Elin deserved the $500 million she got.How was she to know the Dick was going to fuck a couple of dozen hos/porn stars/bar girls during their short marriage?

-The DICK was even phoning the whores over Christmas. You'd think his wife and two kids would be his priority, not his raging boner.

-Look at Elin. Jesus Christ, why the fuck would he want another woman? Some people said it was all her fault. I may be biased, being of Swedish heritage, but I don't think you can do better than a blond from Sweden.

IN DEFENSE

It's obvious from his actions, demeanor, personality and his tragically self-destructive life style, he is a very troubled man. Nobody worth a $billion should look as miserable and unhappy as this man. Another problem is fact that hero worship has allowed him to minimize his bad behavior.

SILENCE OF THE RAMS-PARODY

Clitoreese Starling

CHAPTER 1  

The two women were nearing the end of the seven mile training course that snaked  through the woods surrounding the F.B.I. compound in Quantico, Virginia. The blonde, Clitoreese Starling, was trailing only a few yards behind her room mate, LaQuanda Jackson. Both women were accepted into the academy through hard work, perserverance, determination and the fact that one was retarded the other Black.


Clitoreese was nauseatingly aware that trailing behind her friend in temperatures exceeding 100 degrees could be potentially fatal. Every breath she sucked into her lungs was making her gag.

"LaQuanda," Clitoreese hollered out, "when are you going to see the doctor about your yeast infection?"

"I was thinking about seeing him tomorrow," gasped Jackson, her face turning purple from both the exertion and because it felt like her snatch was on fire, "why do you wanna know?"

LaQuanda

"Because from back here, it smells like I'm running behind a Wonder Bread delivery truck that has caught on fire!" Clitoreese replied.

Little pin-pricks of light began exploding in her peripherals. Clitoreese knew from her experiences with auto-erotic strangulation while finger banging herself, she was on the verge of passing out.

The stench was beginning to make Clitoreese just a little loopy. Ghastly visions of the Kurds gassed by Saddam Hussein began to play out before her very eyes. She imagined she was now among the bodies. Thankfully, she was snapped out of the nightmare when she heard someone pounding up the trail behind them. It was their drill instructor, and he looked pissed.

"Well, well, well. I've been looking everywhere for you twats. You should have finished the course an hour ago," he bitched. "Wanna know something Starling? I've got more important things to do than chasing down a skank to give her a personal message".

Tilting his head upwards, he began to sniff the air with a look of total disgust twisting up his face, "Jesus Christ, you girls come across a rotting salmon out here?"

"That's not a fish carcass you're getting a whiff of, it's ........Clitoreese's explanation for the source of the pungent odor permeating the air was cut short when she saw the piercing glare from LaQuanda.

"Starling, Special Agent Jack Crawdad wants to see you in his office right fucking now," said the D.I. A rustling sound from behind him caught his attention and he turned."And what the fuck is your problem Jackson?"

LaQuanda, itchy snatch nearly driving her mad, had discovered a huge pine cone and was furiously going at it like she was sanding a door.

 CHAPTER 2

Clitoreese quickly showered and got dressed. She was hoping to get out of the shower room before Jackson started to undress. But she wasn't quick enough. While slipping on her shoes, she looked up just in time to see LaQuanda slipping her crusty panties off. It sounded like Velcro strips being separated.

Unfortunately, in her haste, she had tied the laces of both shoes together. Taking her first step toward the door, she tripped and did an unceremonious face plant into Jackson beaver. At that moment, Clitoreese realized she no longer need to fear death. She had just had her nose stuck in it!

Minutes later she arrived at the administration building and was shown into Crawdad's office. She was shocked by his appearance. Six years ago he had come to her college as a guest speaker and Recruitment Officer for the FBI. My God, she thought to herself,. in just a few short years he had gone from looking like a dead ringer for Kurt Russell, to bearing a striking resemblance to a stinking, rotten Mexican dope pedlar!


CHAPTER 3


"Please take a seat Starling." he said. He was going through a stack of crime scene photos as he spoke. He then opened his drawer and pulled out a thick folder and began shuffling through it. Deep worry lines creased his forehead.

"You heard about the serial killer the Bureau has been investigating for the last three years?" he asked.

"Everyone is talking about him, sir. He's been linked to over 30 murders," she answered.

"And I guess you've heard the nickname they have given him?" he inquired.

"Yes I have, sir. The press refers to him as Buffalo Wing Bill," she said.

"And do you know the reason for this disgusting reference?" he said.

"After he kidnaps, rapes and mutilates his victims, he shoves a hot wing up their ass," she giggled.

"That is sort of amusing," said Jack. "but this may be his downfall. The crime lab has done an analysis of the hot wing sauce and we've narrowed down the source to Popeye's, KFC or Bojangles."

"I'm a little confused, sir. How exactly does this help us find Buffalo Wing Bill?"

"Good question, Starling. Give me a couple of minutes to answer that question," he said. Picking up his phone he asked his secretary to connect him to the FBI director. "Hello chief, this is Jack.You know that Buffalo Wing case were working on? How exactly does the analysis of the sauce help us find him? You don't know? Who does know? Nobody? That was a total waste of money and time. I wonder who the dip-shit was that authorized it? You're the dip-shit? Sorry, chief. I've got to go, President Obama is on the other line!" as he slammed down the phone.

"Starling, that aspect of the case is much too complex for a rookie like you to understand,"  he sheepishly told Starling.    

Wanting to distance himself from this major bureaucratic fuck up, he began to furiously shuffle through the stack of paper on his desk until he found what he was looking for.It was Starlings dossier.

"Quite the file you have Starling. You graduated from Virginia Tech at the very bottom of your class. Your performance marks have you pegged at border-line retard. On the shooting range, and this comes as a huge surprise since you went to V.T., not only is your accuracy the worst ever at the academy, you accidentally shot another cadet in the spine, leaving him a paraplegic."

Clitoreese was beginning to get an unsettling feeling that her days were numbered at Quantico. So what came next came as a real shock.

"So after all that, as head of the task force looking into the Buffalo Wing Bill case, I have decided to bring you on board," he said.

Starling was expecting him to burst out laughing at any second, but Crawdad was totally serious.

"Now let's consider these facts, Starling. The FBI has some of the best profilers in the world. We have agents with over 25 years experience coming out our ass. You are a 24 year old third class rookie with no field experience. And I have asked you to become a member of a task force involved in the most baffling case in our history. Why would that be?" he asked.

Starling was lost deep in thought for a minute and then it hit her.

"Either this is the plot line for another improbable and unrealistic Hollywood movie or your expecting a blow-job from me," she pondered.

"Bingo!" said Crawdad."But first, I'm sending you to Michigan State Mental Institute. I need you to interview Dr. Sambo Lechter."

CHAPTER 3

Sambo Lechter

Just the mere mention of his name sent shivers down Starling's spine. Lechter was once considered the finest behavioral psychologist in Michigan. He founded the prestigious Downtown East Side Detroit Medical School.

An article in the Bismarck Bugle said his accomplishments would ensure his name would go into the annals of Black advancement. CNN was going to include him in it's special during Black History Month. He would be celebrated with such illustrious names as Lonnie Johnson, inventor of the Super Soaker, George Crum who invented the potato chip, Sarah Goode, who's invention of the folding bed forever changed society, Philip Downing whose ingenious invention of the mail box was deemed one of the most technological advances by an Afro-American and C.J. Walker who developed a dandruff shampoo.

He was also one of high society's movers and shakers. An invitation to his luxurious 600 square foot, 2-bedroom clap-board house located in Dearborn was the social high light of the year. Guest included such luminaries as the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. The privacy of Lechtor's parties enabled these two holy men to get totally shit-faced and fucked-up on coke. Both were notorious cock smiths, known to bang up to five sisters a night. Their favorite sex act was the "The Double Stuffed Oreo." This involved finding the fattest White ho they could find and then the good Reverends would give her a double penetration the bitch soon wouldn't forget.

The finest liquor available in Detroit flowed at these parties. There were kegs of 'Old English Malt Liquor' on tap and Lechtor would personally tap barrels of the 'Ripple', 'Thunderbird' and 'Night Train Express'.

The food was exquisite. All made with the culinary skills of  Lechter himself. Huge platters of fried chicken smothered in a delicate sauce made from bacon drippings and Pepto-Bismol. Mountains of chitlins stuffed with a delectable mixture of hog jowls, cat fish and crackers. It was the 'crackers' that would lead to Lechter's downfall.


 CHAPTER 4 

Before sending Starling into the nuthouse to interview Lechter, Jack briefed her on the doctors troubling and disturbed past. Lechter had been the consultant for the FBI when members of the Detroit Philharmonic Orchestra began to mysteriously disappear. The first member to go missing was Ikzak Goldstien, the Lead Kazoo player with the orchestra. A month later, Borak Wozniak III went missing. He was one Poland's finest and most gifted music proteges.

His grandfather, Reich Marshal Borak Wozniak, was the entertainment director at Treblinka Concentration Camp. He organized many of the prisoners of the camp into bands to entertain the troops on R & R. Wozniak was a huge fan of Blues' singers Leadbelly and Blind Willy Johnson. This was reflected in two of the most popular bands in the camp-'Down Child Jews Band' and 'The Warsaw Wailers'. Both would have had bright futures in the recording industry if they hadn't been gassed.



CONTINUED TOMORROW

SELF-DESTRUCTION OF AMERICA

 


I have been busy lately with my job as a contributing editor (under my real name) for several newspapers. Fuck me, if my publishers saw my blog, I'd be history! If anyone gives a shit, I will be making some new postings to my blog.






 I will be updating my latest escapades with retards, assholes, dip-shits, etc. I hope to tear some celebs a new asshole. I will also be doing some political analysis. See you soon. Doc.

TMZ PARODY 

In an interview with TMZ recently, Paris Hilton disclosed she flew to Africa to adopt a baby. "If Sandra Bullock and Madonna can do it for publicity, why can't I?"

Feeling somewhat left out of the spotlight in the last year, Paris Hilton decided to take matters into her own hands. Following in the footsteps of Madonna and Sandra

Kudos to President Obama for his hilarious  pissed off every parent of a retard at the opening of the 2011 Special Olympics being held in Little Rock, Arkansas. Sporting a helmet and a ridiculous grin, he began his speech with these opening words-"Duhhhh, badeeepada, let da games begin!" His wife Michelle pissed her pants laughing. Asked by the press covering the event why he would put on such a display of total disregard to this group, he responded by stating that none of these dumb fucks can vote.

Bob Hewson, better known as U2 frontman Bono's father, was recently spotted in London shopping. He is shown here at one of London's most prestigious tailor shops, Savile Road, trying on a suit. In a recent interview on BBC, Bob was asked if Bono got his looks from his mother. Bob replied that he rather doubts that, stating his wife was more grotesque than him.

eHARMONY-TOTAL LOSERS

The stories in my blog are very disturbing. Almost as disturbing as the society we live in. I think they are fucking hilarious and that's all that counts! I've received emails from readers accusing me of being a total prick. Insensitive and lacking any compassion! How do I respond? I tell them to go fuck themselves. There are plenty of other blogs out there more appropriate for pussies and faggots, so read them! I never let my old blogs stagnate. I go back and re-edit them on a weekly basis so if you think it is a piece of shit today, wait till you read it next week.

THE eHARMONY PARODY

You've seen this couple on the eHarmony ads. That gorgeous piece of ass with a great set of tits and a pair of legs to die for? And the stud who looks like he just walked off a movie set. If these two were having trouble finding a mate then the rest of America is totally fucked! I can only imagine what the majority of subscribers to eHarmony really look like! Here are a few prime examples. So desperate, they are willing to fork over $300 for just an infinitesimal chance they will find someone. They also hope that this person will be just a little less grotesque then they are.

RUDY DRABINSKI

Hi girls. My name is Rudy. I bet you're looking at my picture and wondering why I need to use eHarmony to find a woman! Well, you see, I've been out of circulation for a couple of years all because of some lying mother fucking Boy Scouts. Because of their lies, I did a deuce as a guest of the California Correction Services. I'll swear on a stack of bibles they nailed the wrong Scout Leader. Fuck the DNA evidence. You wanna know something else? They don't treat you so good in prison when your up on some kiddie beef.

I have plenty to offer some lucky lady out there. I am extremely ambitious and driven. Some people may be satisfied with being the assistant chef at the soup kitchen, but not this fellow. The manager at McDonald's says there should be an opening in five or six years and I'll be all over it like flies on shit.

But I have even bigger plans for my future. I'm only six years away from completing my GED. Once that's under my belt, I want to attend medical school. I'm gonna be a snatch doctor! Can you believe that! Getting paid big bucks to play with a woman's pussy! Sweet!

I am very open minded when it comes to sex. I love a good blow job as much as the next guy, but i don't want it to be the next guy I have to blow!! I would like to be on the receiving end for once. I've grown partial to anal sex since my time in prison.

LEO HENDRIX

My name are Leo. The nice man at eHarmony gave me a crayon and some paper and said that i shud rite out my histry. The nice man also told me i should lie about me being a total retard!  And dont get too carried away with detales such as kriminal behavior and sexual pekuliaritys. I tolled him i dont like fibbing or telling lies. He said okay whatever, its no big fucking deal to him as long as i hand over 300$ in cash! Then he handed me the paper to rite on and said go nuts. I said i am alreddy nuts! Then he said no shit!

So this tale i am telling mite be horrible in nature to sum peeple. And like they say on TV, it may cuntain sex and violence so it is not sootible for childrun. 

Firstly womens, i gets the tendency to be extremely violent when i am pissed off. Sumtimes i gets violent for no reason at all, so my new gurlfrend shood be fore-warned and fore-skinned. I is only making a joke about the foreskin cuz i know gurls dont have foreskins unless they're Jewish.

Secondly ladies, I'm a born athlete frum head to the tips of my stubby toes. In fact, according to my dokter, my feets are the most athletic he has ever seen!  I have already won a total of 3 Bronze and 2 Sliver Mentals at the Special Olympics. I hold the record for the 100 yard dash in the mongoloid division.It only took me 2 minutes and 66 seconds and i only fell down twice and went the wrong direction four times.

Becuze I are retarded, me and my new wife don't even need to worry about money or getting jobz. Thats cuz I gets a shit load of money from Social Insistence and a Handicap Pension for nothing. Man it is fucking grate being retarded. Many gurls have said I am a real good and passionate kisser. Thats probably becuz I hasn't gotten any teeth.The gurl i falls in luv with doesn;t need to worry about taken birth control pills or wanting me to put rubbers on my pecker becuz i am a mongoloid and mongoloids shoot blanks.

Getting back to me having no teeth. Pleez bare with me cuz itz a reely long and terribal story about my having no teeth!! They wasn't rotten and got pulled. No sirree, they was all pulled out of my mouth when I was locked up in the Gnu Hampshyre State Innertution for the Kriminilly Ensane. I was in the Ensame Assylim becuase I bit some guy's weener off in a really horribal fite. I gotz into the fite with this other guy becuz this fucker was bugging me all the time. Member i told yuo about my xtreme violence? He was a derty fiter and pulled a gun on me just like a nigger dirty fites. He gotz one shot off but i was fortunate cuz it hit me in my forehead so it didnt hurt or do danmage then hiz gun jammed. i dropped him with a left then i dropped his pantz and bit hiz weener off. The judge only gave me one year in this nuthouse because he was retarded too. Not the judge, but the guy who's weener I bit off in the fite! I am very exxellent at sex too! I've been practicing on my room-mate Morris all the time even if he doesn't like it! I will not muve to New York to be with anyone who does fall in luv with me. I went there once and had a good time till some niggers beat up my teecher and the entire special edukation class i was with and stole all our money! I dont no what was so special about the edukation. I didnt learn a fukkin thing! Did yuo know also that New York has a lot of heebrews who wear them doilys on there heads? These kind of peeple think eating pigs is disgusting. If yuo want, yuo kan muve into my group home with me. I asked my staffs at the home and they said my new wife can live hear with all us retards. I don't know why they are always laffing at us tards when we say things like this.

LETICIA GREEN

Hey lover, my name is Leticia and I'm a sensuous 18 year old virgin. I bet this glamor shot of me is giving you some major wood! If you're interested in seeing more of me, I have an upload on YouTube of me fingering myself! I was brought up in a very religious home. My father read us scriptures every night before he molested me and my sisters. He said he was giving us examples of evil deeds that will get you a one-way ticket to hell. Wonder where that mother fucker is now that he's dead. The things he did us! Fuck him, I say you only live once, so I'm willing to participate in any kind of kinky shit you can think up. Nothing larger than a butternut squash goes up my butt though. If, by chance, you've seen a porno of a girl blowing a horse, that wasn't me, it was my identical twin sister. I like walks in the park and hanging out in cemeteries at night. 

SELENA WILLIAMS

Hi lover! Let me say just two things-suck and fuck. I don't like cooking, cleaning or bathing. I've been told so many times that I could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, I thought I would give it a shot! Guess what? I can! I see nothing wrong with any bi-sexual, bi-racial and bi-species relationships. So if you feel like throwing your dog into the mix, it's alright by me.

RON HARDAWAY


Hello, I'm Ron's favorite caregiver. He thinks I'm one of the most sensitive and compassionate guys you could meet, so he asked me to write out this application for him. What a fucking dip-shit. If I wasn't getting paid $40 an hour by his insurance carrier, do you think I would want anything to do with this digusting waste of humanity? Ron is a disgusting fat-body! The butterball is at the present time, porking out at 980 lbs. He can't even type because he has these big, fat, cigar like fingers. For the last few months, he hasn't even been able to talk. Here's what happened with that. His doctor has him on this strict diet, no carbs or red meat and lots of vegetables. I don't know how it works, but these morbidly obese people can gain ten pounds drinking a glass of water. So anyways, as a favor (and a $100 bill he slipped me) I ordered in KFC one night. I put the bucket right next to the bed and went to get some towels to mop the grease of his face and hands. I figured he wouldn't be able to reach it. Being as resourceful as he is fat, he somehow tore the side rail off his bed and skewered the bucket. I guess he heard me coming down the hall and started scarfing the chicken down bones and all. He actually got a drumstick wedged in his throat sideways. I called 911 and the EMTs showed up. Knowing my ass and job were on the line, I had to slip the $100 bill to the medics so they could do an emergency drumstickectomy and keep their mouths shut! The guy managed to fish the bone out using shish kabob skewer bent like a fish hook. If it wasn't for the aforementioned $40 an hour, I would have let the fucker choke to death.
 
I wouldn't say this to his face, because I'm very sensitive to his feelings, but he is actually more disgusting than he looks in this picture. Rash from his asshole to the middle of his neck. We have to use an elaborate hydraulic system to get him into a bathtub. Then we have to power wash the cocksucker to get rid of the filth he rolls in. The reek that comes from the folds in his lard is enough to kill at cat. In fact, a couple of months ago, we found his pet cat wedge in the crack of his ass. It wasn't dead, but you could tell from the look in it's eyes, it sure wishes it was. The fucker will eat anything within reach, even bugs.

I have no idea what Ron would do with a woman anyways! So if your interested, you might want to give him a mercy hand-job!

OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB PARODY

CHUBBY'S PICKS FOR 2010

The beefy one looked totally wasted after her recent vacation to Yosemite National Park with her gal-pal Gayle. Rumor has it they spent many a sleepless night in their tent taking turns being the little Dutch Boy-stinking the finger in the dyke.  The first order of business for porky upon her return to Chicago was to release her Book List for 2011. Not surprising, all the authors are her friends, women and/or minorities. Mark Dressler of the New York Times was quoted-"Just a total waste of time! Not even one good picture to jerk off to!".


"FUCK WHITEY" by ANGALOU MAYA

Maya on the Riviera

Maya has made Oprah's list every year since it's inception. 'Fuck Whitey' is a real good read for those who hate crackers.

• 'Fuck Whitey' is a comprehensive diatribe outlining the crimes against humanity committed by Whitey dating back to Cro-magnon man. She praises the work of Dr. Julius Bowjhangles, Professor Emiritus, Nairobi Community College and lead-singer of "The Real Young Cannibals". The good doctor discovered some cave paintings in Botswana that date back 2 million years and lend credence to what the entire world knows, Whitey has been a racist pig since the dawn of man. One set of pictures illustrate a fucking cracker caveman putting up a 'for sale' sign in front of his cave after some Blacks left their tree house and moved into the cave next to his.

• She has a chapter on 'Kenya Man', the fossilized remains discovered by famed anthropologist, Richard Leakey. Maya asks who gave this mother-fucking honky the right to go around Africa digging holes and desecrating the Black Man's hood? When Dr. Leaky dug up Kenya Man, he was slumped over the wheel of a crude and rudimentary vehicle similar to the car Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble drove. There was some major damage done to the front end. In Kenya Man's left hand was a fossilized pipe. Upon analysis of the residue in the pipe turned out to be a very high-grade opiate. Dr. Leaky hypothesized that Kenya Man was totally fucked-up on 'neolithic crack' and had wrapped his Flintstonemobile around the only tree in a 600 mile radius.

• She has an insightful chapter on those 'pasty-faced cunts', the Brits, who invaded Africa and turned it into one huge cotton plantation. After kicking their lily-white asses off the continent, African leaders got back to returning it to a cesspool of violence and poverty. Maya praises Robert Mugabe for his brilliant political tactics that included rape, murder and ethnic cleansing. Mr. Mugabe has re-established Zimbabwe as the poorest nation in the world after some low-life honkies had made it the richest nation in the Dark Continent. To put this into perspective, the average income of a Zimbabwean makes a Haitian look like Donald Trump.

• Maya goes into one her biggest rants against Twitter, Facebook and other internet sites. They are conspiracy sites, developed by some ruthless, cock sucking, butt-fucking Honkey to keep Black people occupied and out of school and their jobs.

"SHE'S PHAT AND LIKES TO PHUCK" by PARIS HILTON

Paris' biography tells the intriguing tale of a rich girl, who progresses from being born with a silver spoon in her mouth and replacing it with a cock in her teen years.

• She talks about the harrowing experience doing hard time in LA County Jail. There were plenty if darkies in there she opined.

•  Paris discusses why every American isn't as rich as her. "If I can be born the grand-daughter of one of the richest men in the world, why can't everyone else?" 

• She talks about the disastrous career moves of some of Hollywood's biggest stars. She weighs-in on Pee Wee Herman. "Jacking-off is so gross. What was he thinking? Everyone knows that a blow-job is much more artistic and classy!" 

• Paris makes reference to the bitter feud with Nicole Ritchie-"I had no idea she was a nig...a Black person!"

"MY SON THE MUSHUGA" by AARON WEISMEN

The hilarious adventures of Aaron Weismen, who immigrated from Israel to the United States, are outlined in this biography. To show his appreciation to his new home country, he and his wife decide to adopt an Afro-American boy. The social worker with the adoptive agency is a Black woman who is not very enthusiastic about this arrangement. She makes a request of the Weismens. give him a name that is reflective of his ethnicity. She suggests a name that is incomprehensible and virtually unpronounceable. Mr. & Mrs. Weismen make a compromise and name him Malcolm X.

• To ensure that Malcolm has a good education, the Weismens enroll him in what they think is a prestigious private school-The Orion School of New Orleans. The Weisman's limited ability with the English language is their downfall. The school is actually the Aryan School of New Order. Malcolm returns home a Nazi skin-head.

• Things really take a funny twist when the Weismans take Malcolm to Israel so he can meet his extended new family and spend some quality time at a kibbutz. At the Ben Gurion Airport, Grandma and Grandpa Weisman both shit their pants when they meet their new grandson. No one informed them that he was Black and a skin-head. There is a serious security glitch that almost gets the entire Weisman clan annihilated-Malcolm's T-shirt (see above picture).

• At the kibbutz, Malcolm leads the other teens in a sing song around the camp fire. He's revised the lyrics to the song 'Kumbaya'. It included the line "Whitey's dying, Lord, Kum-ba-ya".

FLABBY GABBY & THIRSTY KIRSTY COOKBOOK

Oprah said it best-"The fact that two women, who's combined weight precludes them from getting on an elevator together, can put out a cookbook with their picture on the front is testament to the fact that America doesn't give a fuck about self-esteem. Here are two of Oprah's favorite recipes-



MOTHER-FUCKER CHICKEN

• 8-10 lb. roasting chicken
• stuff the chicken with the crispy skin removed from 12 pieces of KFC chicken, 1 lb. of chocolate chips and enough tapioca powder to make the shit stick together.
• bake for 4 hours basting regularly with marshmallow sauce.
• Remove from oven and let sit for 10 minutes (if you can resist the temptation to tear into it) Frost with 4 cans of your favourite Betty Crocker Icing.

Serves two.

DING DONG DESSERT

Place 12 Ding Dongs on a plate (substitute Twinkies if you prefer). Smother with the drippings from the Mother Fucker Chicken. A great individual dessert.

JONAZ BROTHERZ FAN KLUB NEWZ

 NEWZ AND GOSSIP!

Hi gurlz , it's Suzey, prez of the official Jonaz Brotherz Fan Klub. Here is the latest kewl stuff on these hunks! I've received lots of emails this month from members of the fan club. Here is a photo of me with my new boyfriend, Garth. Wanna know the best place to find kewl guys like Garth? Well, girls, just check out the Special Olympics! That's where I hooked up with Garth. Wanna know the best way to keep that dream boat once you have got him? If your stud is anything like my Garth, sucking his pecker a couple of times a day will keep him close to home!

Many mags are saying that our boys are losing ground to that bitch Justin Bieber. In fact, many predict the Jonaz Brothers will be going the route of the Back Door Boys and will fade from existence. I have started a fund. When we get enough money I am going to ask that creepy terrorist guy with a beard who lives on my street if he will put a Jihad on Bieber's ass. He has to be an Al Kweeda cuz he has a real fucked up name, he is calling himself Rabbi Fishburger or something like that. Gawd!

FAN MAIL

•  My ex-BFF, Carey-Anne, who is 13 (but acts like a retarded 8), says she read in Teen Mag that Kevin lost his virginity in Nick's hand. What a cunt! I'm going to kick that fucking bitch out of our Klub for saying something that nasty.

• This is tooo kewl gurlz! Jessica, 11 and lives in New York, wonders if you have heard the best news ever! Joe has removed his Purity Ring! Gurlz, do you know what this means? We can get back to letting the cool Seniors fuck us in the locker room during class break. Jessica wonders if blow-jobs were included in the "Purity Ring Vow"? No they weren't because the Boyz are totally into blow-jobs.

• La Queeta, who is a 14 year old Negro, emailed and asked if she can start a Jonaz Brotherz Fan Club in Compton? What do you say gurlz? Do you think the Boyz would want gurlz of other persuasions coming to their concerts? I think as long as they don't go 'jungle' while at concerts and act like real ladies it should be fine. Do send me your emails. Personally, I think it would be sooo kewl and sooo radical if we were into being soooo non-racists. 

• Contrary to what that mean, nasty hooked nosed Jew, Howard Stern, told his audience, Joe & Nick haven't been diagnosed with the "latent homosexuality gene". The reason they were seen with their hands in each others pants was cuz they were checking to make sure they didn't have "mumps"!! So there you hooked-nose faggot!

• Britney M. is 15 and lives in Montecito, CA, has some scary news about Nick! He recently spent some time in a  L.A. hospital. But don't worry gurlz, he's OK. That fucking jizz-bitch, cum-guzzler, Paris Hilton, played a nasty trick on the Boyz. She planted her bare butt against the window of their Tour Bus. None of the Boyz have seen "pressed beaver" never, ever before. Nick thought for sure it was a 'face-hugger' from that really creepy, scary movie Alien! He was sooooo shocked, the ambulance man said he had to bitch-slap him several times to bring him to his senses. I could just kill that jizz-breath Paris! Who joins me in that sentiment? KEWL!

• Lacey K., who is 13 and lives in Boca Raton FLA., says that she was in the same hotel as the Boyz when they were in Florida. She even spent a couple of hours with them in the hot tub. She nearly drowned when the Boyz forced her to give them hummers. Joe said she is one of the cutest girls he has had on his knob. Later that evening, Kevin asked Lacey up to his suite and asked her if she would pop out her glass eye so he could give her a different kind of 'head'!

•  Did anyone see the Boyz on Larry King, Kevin said he felt really sorry for Miley Cyrus. He saw her naked and she must have been in an accident and lost her wiener! 

• Marisa T., President of the NY Chapter, said the Brothers volunteered to do a benefit concert for a major charity next month. The NAMBLA president said they have had to move the event from the the Shriners Hall to Madison Square Gardens because the overwhelming ticket demands from members of the club. The door prize will be a romantic get away with the Brother of choice! They sure sound like such a kewl club.

• Joe called 911 recently telling the operator he might be dead and rigor mortis is setting in. Turned out Joe had his first erection!

Well, my fellow mini-whores, that's it for todays latest on the J.B.s Catch ya all next time. Suzey Scremecheese!!