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| Can I blow you? |
CRC.com contains some very offensive parodies.They're totally filled with gratuitous sex and obscenities! But what the fuck? Since I enjoy reading my own material, I need to return and do some re-editing to freshen it up. My writing was influenced by the contributing editors of the Harvard and National Lampoon. I also found a lot of inspiration in Matt Stone and Trey Parker. In no way do I assume to be anywhere near the same level as them, but I do try to entertain those individuals who are as disturbed as I am.
PRELUDE
"So, my friends, thus ends the tale of Bilbo Baggins," sighed Samwise's as he set his pen down and slowly closed the book for the last time.
'There And Back Again' had been a labor of love for three Hobbits-Bilbo, Frodo and Sam. The book had chronicled over seven decades of mind-fucking adventures! The tome was as diverse and eclectic as it's three authors. Bilbo was a brave and daring explorer. Frodo was a full-blown douche bag who did nothing but whine, bitch and complain his entire life.
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| Sam in GQ |
Sam lovingly wrapped the book in a fine piece of cloth then opened the trunk that contained Bilbo's possessions. Here the book would remain until Sam's own sons were old enough to appreciate the dedication and sacrifice that had gone into writing it.
"What have we here?" Sam said to himself. Tightly bound in one of Bilbo's shirts was another book. Sam removed it from the trunk and placed it on the desk. With a sense of excitement and great anticipation, he carefully unfolded the shirt. Could this book contain more of Bilbo's exciting adventures?
A sick feeling welled up in the pit of his stomach as he read the title. "In and Out The Back Door-A Guide to Queer Bars In Middle Earth".
"That fucking faggot!" Sam spit out with venom in his voice. "Maybe the rumors about Bilbo being a backdoor bandit were true!"
Meanwhile................
SAILING TO THE UNDYING LANDS
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| Gimme a kiss, douchebag! |
Once renowned for their skill as great fishermen, they soon learned that it was easier and more profitable to jack other people of their hard earned goods.
A warning cry went out from the look-out in the crow's nest.
"Captain Elrond, there's a boat off the starboard bow and I think it's filled with a shit load of Sea Khoons!" yelled out the Bosun.
"Ahh fuck!" exclaimed Elrond. "Do you think they might be a danger to us?"
"Jesus, Captain! You have got to be shittin' me?" was the sarcastic reply.
"Smart-ass, mother-fucker," Elrond muttered under his breath. Not wanting to provoke a battle with these nasty creatures, he decided to change course and put some distance between the two boats.
"Rhimjob," he shouted out to the Elf manning the wheel, "change course twenty degrees and prepare..........!"
Before he could finish the sentence, a huge blast erupted from the forward cannon. A cannonball tore into the pirate boat cutting it in two. Sea Khoons and splintered planking exploded into the air. Screams of terror and pain could be heard from the few remaining survivors who were thrashing about in the water.
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| Dimrond |
"I thought I told you guys to keep that retard away from the cannons. Legolas, lock the fucker up in the hold with the goats."
"Think that's a good idea chief?" replied Legolas. "Remember what he did to the goats the last time we did that?"
"Ah, fuck yeah! Alright then, just tie him to the mast. Set the sails to full and let's get the fuck out of here!" ordered a weary and exacerbated Elrond.
The ship picked up speed and cut a swathe through the remaining survivors of the pirate boat. A couple of the Elfs took the opportunity to hone their archery skills and began picking off the Sea Khoons as they bobbed around in the water begging for help.
Gandalf slowly rose from his deck chair and headed for the sleeping quarters.
"Where are you going Gandalf?" asked a bewildered Frodo.
"I think I'm going to see if Galadriel will give me that blow-job she has been promising me for the last 127 years!" slurred Gandalf.
"Maybe you should take along some persuasion." giggled Frodo as he tossed Gandalf a wooden mallet.
"It was grand, my boy! That bitch could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. It beat the hell out of that cluster fuck we had at "The Prancing Pony"! I know the rest of our journey is going to a very pleasant experience," he opined, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
His revery was interrupted by an ashen faced Legolas.
"You guys are in a shit-load of trouble. Elrond caught your buddy Bilbo molesting his son, Elrond Hubbard, Jr. He's thrown Bilbo into the brig and he says he is going to execute the prick at noon!"
"What's that got to do with us?" asked an incredulous Frodo."Why are we in trouble?"
"Well, it's like this," explained Legolas. "You're his nephew, Frodo. And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! And as for you Gandalf. You think you can fuck Elrond girlfriend and get away with it? My guess is that both of you will be swinging from the yardarm along side you butt-fucking buddy!"
Gandalf the Wise knew that they were in an untenable situation. He took Frodo aside and told him of his plan which would extricate them from this predicament. They would have to slaughter all the Elfs and head back to the Shire.
"Ain't that fucking grand! So much for living a life of eternal bliss in the Undying Lands!" fumed Gandalf. "I'm definitely going to tear Bilbo a new asshole. Frodo, were going to have to take over the ship and head back to the Shire. We're dead meat otherwise."
"How are we going to do this? It's just you and me against an entire ship of Elfs," whimpered the little bitch. Gandalf gave him a good whack across the side of his head with his staff.
"Quit being such a fucking pussy. You may have gotten away with that shit with Samwise, but I'll have none of it! Anyways, I've got it all worked out. We just need a little help," explained Gandalf, turning his attention back to Legolas.
"I shouldn't be seen with you guys," said the worried Elf, looking furtively around to make sure they weren't being watched. "What do you want?"
"Legolas, Frodo has come up with a plan," whispered the twisted old man.
Frodo looked dumbfounded and began to protest. "I didn't think of shit, it was y......" He was cut short when the staff caught him on the side of the head, dropping him to his knees.
Gandalf explained to Legolas the nefarious plan to take command of the ship and head back to Middle Earth.
"Really!"said Legolas, his voice thick with sarcasm. "So why are you telling me all this?"
"Obviously we'll need some help. A know you're a devious prick. So name your price!" stated Gandalf.
Gandalf "Hee, hee, hee," giggled Legolas. "I like a man who doesn't beat around the bush. I'm in, but I don't come cheap. I want a never ending supply of muffdi (Elvish for pussy), 20 kilos of scumper (a high potency bud that grows along the river banks in the Shire) and a villa on Lake Evigna."
"It's a deal!" said a relieved Gandlaf, giving Legolas a high five.
Less than an hour later, the slaughter began. After tossing the bodies of the Elfs into the Belegaep Sea, an extremely pissed off Gandalf went to the brig to release Bilbo. He nearly gagged by the scene that was being played out inside the brig. Bilbo had gone into full molest mode and was working on the retarded Dimrond.
"Come on out Bilbo, you're now a free man," said Gandalf with a deceptive smile on his face. As soon as Bilbo exited the cell, Gandalf began to lay a beating on the Hobbit. "You sawed off little cunt. You really fucked up time you butt fucker"
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| Watcha staring at asshole? |
Things in the Shire weren't as peachy as one would have imagined. Soon after his return, Sam married Rose Cotton, the bar maid with the huge set of tits. Not long after that he began to hear the nasty rumors that were floating around the Shire. Seems that Rose just loved the cock. While Sam and Frodo were busting their balls trying to save Middle Earth, Rose was fucking everything in sight. This included every Hobbit in the Shire, a few dozen Dwarfs and even more disgusting, rumor has it, she willingly participated in an Orc gang-bang!
He also has his hands full being the mayor & sheriff of the Shire. His biggest problems were his old friends Meriadoc & Pippin. Their one time little pranks had escalated into full-blown felonies. Due to a very strange and highly suspicious incident, they now owned the Golden Perch Inn. The previous owner, Dildo Baggins, was found hanging from a tree with a suicide note pinned to his chest.The tree he was found hanging from was none other than Treebeard The Ent.
The note left the Inn & all his possessions to Merry & Pippin, leaving nothing for his wife & 8 kids. What made this suicide even more suspicious was in the fact Dildo Baggins was illiterate and his hands were bound behind his back.
Sam decided an investigation into Dildo's death was warranted. His first order of business was to bring Treebeard in for an interview. Surely, the Ent had an explanation as to how Dildo ended up swinging from one of his branches. Unfortunately, Treebeard suddenly disappeared. No one had seen or heard from him in many days.
Coincidently, Merry & Pippin mysteriously came up with a new supply of the finest hardwood anyone could ever want. They used it to construct a magnificent outdoor patio extension on their pub.
Compounding the problems for Sam was the antics of his old friend, Gimli. He, and his posse of Dwarfs would wander into the Shire every couple of months to spend shit-loads of money. They claimed they earned it working the mines of Moria. Everyone knew this was a bull-shit story. These mines hadn't produced in years. Sam surmised the Dwarfs were most likely responsible for the raping & pillaging going on in Rohan. They also fit the description of a bunch of bank robbers that had been plaguing Minas Tirith.
Gimli and his pals would get totally shit-faced when they came to the Shire.Nothing was more fucked-up then a bunch of Dwarfs wasted on ale and scumper. Pippin and Merry loved to watched the shenanigans the dwarfs would get into when they came to their bar. Pippin often told people-"You haven't seen funny till you've seen a Dwarf bending a Hobbit over a toadstool and just giving it to her!"
On one occasion, Gimli, Pippin & Merry were out on the new patio reminiscing about old times while they tossed back ale.
"Have you seen our old friend Treebeard lately?" asked a very inebriated Gimli.
"We're standing on him," quipped a straight-faced Pippin."See that knot-hole over there? That's his asshole!"
All three burst into fits of laughter as a disgusted group of revellers listened in on this sick conversation.
ARAGON & GONDOR
Two years after their nuptials, she bore them a son, Prince Sphïnktýr. He was a mongoloid, a fruitcake & wimp. Aragon spent his days lost in thought.Always thinking about that fine piece of ass Eowyn. There was many a time when he thought about heading over to Rohan & seeing if Prince Faramir was into doing a wife swap. If not, he'll just kill him anyways and take Eowyn. After all, he is the king and can do whatever the fuck he wanted to anyways!
Unbeknownst to everyone who resided in Middle Earth, a serious threat to their happiness was developing on far side of the Misty Mountains. In the region known as Mirkwood, a vicious and ugly race of creature was preparing to unleash Armageddon. They were the Mucklars and they were born to create havoc! They were so loathesome and evil, the Nazgul would shit themselves in their presence! The war they were preparing for, would make the battle at Helm's Deep look like a cluster fuck. The leader of the Mucklars is Fukemgüed.
PRELUDE TO ARMAGEDDON
Legolas asks Sam why the fuck he didn't throw the bitch into the fires along with the ring & Golum. Merry & Pippin begin to question the wisdom of some of their earlier decisions.
Gandalf is stunned by the rumors and innuendo surrounding two of his dear friend-Dildo Baggins and Treebeard, both of whom he was very tight with!.
He makes a surprise visit to Merry and Pippin at their new pub. While sitting out on the patio with the two Hobbits he makes a very unsettling remark.
"You have very fine looking patio here, gentlemen. It looks vaguely familiar." Reaching down, he sticks his finger in a knot-hole and wiggles it around. Upon removing it from the hole he brings his finger to his nose and makes an exaggerated sniffing sound. "And this smells like a dear old friend of mine!"
Both Hobbits immediately evacuate their bowels into their shorts!
It isn't long before Bilbo is up to his old ways and is caught molesting his departed cousin Dildo's eight fatherless children. The Hobbits of the Shire are usually complacent with the events happening around them, but when a twisted old fucker starts diddling orphans, all bets are off. They nearly beat him to death before Sam can intervene. He's arrested by Sam, who locks him in a cell and then throws the key into the river.
Soon a messenger arrives from Gondor. Aragon says that an advancing army of Mucklars are approaching & he needs all the help he can get. The Rohanians have refused to help him because their beloved Prince Faramir was found face down in the Isen River & Eowen is now in a 3 way with Aragon & Arwen.
They send the messenger back with a demand for $10,000 in gold up front or no deal. It seems Aragon stiffed them on the last big battle. Aragon readily agrees to these terms. Legolas says he is going to bring in a secret army and heads for Rivendell. There, in a hidden valley, is an off-shoot sect of Elf known as the "Phaggots of Phoggymire". These are the most utterly ruthless creatures in Middle Earth. The final battle is a utter mind-fuck with atrocities perpetrated by both sides.
THE END
*Story to be continued and/or edited in days to come. Sven
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