GORILLAS F**KING IN THE MIST

WARNING-EXTREME PARODY

This parody may be very offensive to some people, but I really don't give a shit.

A diary was recently found that had belonged to the famed gorilla researcher Dian Fossey. It's a delightful tale of sex and violence, sure to entertain everyone who reads it.

Disney has purchased the movie rights and have begun  pre-production. Initially, they had approached Sigourney Weaver, who portrayed Dian in the blockbuster movie, "Gorillas in the Mist". But she said no fucking way. Working in Africa the last go around put her off Negroes for a long time!

Disney signed on Mickey Rourke because of his striking resemblance to Dian. Mickey says he was quite surprised, but extremely flattered by the offer.

"When I got the phone call from my manager, I thought he was fucking with my head. After all I'm way prettier than that skank," he said to a reporter of TMZ. "And I'm really going to have to bulk up to portray that mean spirited bitch!"

Tim Burton has agreed to direct the movie. "This won't be much different than Planet of the Apes, just more violent and uncivilized.I'm hoping they sign on Justin Bieber to play the role of Dian's illegitimate son Roscoe. He was the product of an illicit relationship Dian had with Desmond Tutu. Tutu has always denied his paternity saying that it was a threesome with a baboon."


May 19

Today was the absolute worst and most devastating day of my life. I had packed up a picnic lunch with plans of meeting my boyfriend Digit for a romantic getaway. When I got to the 'Idi Amin Tranquility Gardens', I discovered the mutilated body of Digit. Some savage had cut his fucking head off. The niggers that did this are going to pay big time!!


 June 3

President Gumball

Surprise, surprise!! Another civil war has erupted in this shit hole. I'm not surprised by the chaotic nature of this country. Several years ago I asked to speak before the Rwandan Parliament by the President, Ngakamumbakaka Gumball . God, where the fuck do they get these names from. They can hardly spell x and yet they give themselves these indecipherable names! Go figure. Anyways, back to the parliament.  If one was to look up the definition of a cluster fuck in Webster's dictionary, it would be illustrated with a picture of these fucking door knobs.

The primary reason I had made the request to speak before parliament was to make a plea for funding of my research. While I was there, one of the ministers asked me to comment on the famine that had plagued the region for several years.They were a little hostile towards me when I gave them my opinion.

Given the fact that 10 million wildebeests cut a swathe through their country every year during their migration anyone too stupid or lazy to tap into this resource deserves to die of starvation. Or the other option is to quit fucking. When I go into town for supplies, I pass mud hut after mud hut with about 10-12 starving porch monkeys crawling around eating bugs and handfuls of dirt. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out!

This parliamentary experience reminded me of  an argument I had with Richard Leakey over his claim that Africa was the birthplace of civilization. I told him that if his hypotheses was accurate, we'd still be waiting for one of these spear chuckers to invent the wheel! Leakey said that only a racist would make such a comment. I vehemently told him I'm not a racist, I just don't care for niggers or kikes.

I'm sorry diary, I'm getting off-track, so let's get back to the predicament I am in. You know what this civil war means? I'm going to have to pack up all my shit and get the fuck out of here before one of these savages decides to chop off my tits with a machete.

June 30

Mike Vick Takes The Snap

What fabulous luck. After a week of trekking through the jungle into Zaire, I stumbled across a colony of Congoloid Apes. They're a retarded sub-species of the Silverback. Jane Goodall referred to them as the mongoloids of the monkey world. These apes have rarely been observed by humans so I have decided to set up camp and study them until I can return to Rwanda.

July 10

There are fifty-two members in this group. Christ, these are the biggest goof balls up in Africa. They are totally fucked up and observing them is like watching a train wreck.

The females are totally abused, submitting to all kinds of shit from the brutal and sadistic males. They make Idi Amin look like Mother Theresa. I have yet to determine which of these males is the leader.

July 18

I have finally determined which ape is the Alpha male. I have decided to name him "Oscar Meyer" because he has a massive wiener. There are twelve males in his posse who do the dirty work and bidding for him. 

July 27

Oscar and Precious

FUCK ME! Just when I thought I had seen the very worst in their behaviors, they surprise me with an even darker side. Today, I witnessed a cluster-fuck, the likes I have never seen before! After an hour of watching these shenanigans, I nearly puked my guts out. Some of these guys are AC/DC, plugging into anything while a couple are outright faggots!

July 1

Today, I began the process of  gradually letting my presence be known to the group so that I can observe their behaviors from a closer proximity. They seem to have accepted my presence.


August 9

Oscar Meyer is one sick fuck. Today he put on a performance that I'm sure was for my benefit. There is a clearing not fifty feet from my own camp.While I was preparing my lunch, I was surprised to see Oscar and three of the biggest and ugliest females-Serena, Precious and Venus in this clearing. He then had the 'ladies' take turns giving him oral sex. While he was getting blown, he maintained direct eye contact with me. I swear to Christ he was actually winking at me! What is even worse, he had this shit-eating grin on his face. It reminded me of the time my two uncles molested me. Yes diary, it is true, I was molested by my uncles. It cost me $20 to get them to do it again.

August 15

Today the "posse" was acting more bizarre then usual. I soon realized that they were intoxicated from eating fruit that had fermented in the sun. They spent 1/2 the day in a drunken brawl and then they turned their attention to Precious and gang-banged her!

August 19

Today began as one of the most frightening and terrifying days I have ever had while in Africa. I had just emerged from my tent and immediately, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Just twenty yards in front of my tent was the "posse" forming a semi-circle. I was frozen in fear and it crossed my mind that I was about to die. That is until Oscar Meyer slowly approached me with an offering of a banana. My experience has taught me that when an ape is offering food, it is a gesture of good-will, acceptance and friendship. Relief flooded over me but it was fleeting. I noticed that the banana had been sprinkled with leaf flakes from the Ubangi Shrub. The effects of this plant is similar to "roofies" and "spanish fly". My heart sank. There was going to be another gang-bang and I was going to be the gang-bangee! Using all my inner strength, I willed myself to be calm, otherwise I may never get out of this.

Using gestures and rudimentary sign language I conveyed to Oscar Meyer that if the boys wanted to "party", they should give me a few minutes to fix myself up. I reached behind me and pulled out a silky black negligee and held it up. This had the effect I was hoping for. The boys began to hoot and holler and all had major wood. Oscar Meyer nodded to me and I slipped back into my tent and closed the flaps.

Time for an SOS-Sawed Off Shotgun. With calculated precision, I quickly slipped two cases out from under my cot. One contained a Mossberg AA-Tactical which I had modified by cutting down the barrel and stock. I also replaced the blow-back breech with a gas-operated one that cuts back on recoil by 90%. This was a gift from Rev. Desmond Tutu after a particular wonderful blow-job I gave him! From the other case I took out three 20 round drums loaded with Frag-12's. These fuckers can punch a hole in an armored truck!

Oscar Meyer would have to be taken out first. I raised the Mossberg and without opening the flap I got off shot that sounded like a thunderclap! Oscar's head was replaced by a fine pink mist! 

When I burst from the tent, the rest of the posse broke for the trees. Luck was with me, the stunned fuckers remained in a tight group as they ran. I just kept squeezing the trigger till the drum emptied. Arms, legs and guts were strewn along the trail. The last four surviving apes ran up the same tree. This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

I replaced the empty drum with a full one and slowly approached the tree. I just couldn't resist the temptation to yell up at the dipshits cowering in the tree.

"How's it feel to be the ones getting fucked over?" I screamed at them.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was caught off guard when they began to fling shit at me. I could have climbed the tree and torn them all a new asshole I was so pissed off! I opened fire, emptying the second drum. When the smoke cleared, I realized I had cut entire tree was gone.

This much gun fire was sure to attract unwanted attention, so I had to pack up fast and get the fuck out of there. I would have loved to stick around and see the confusion on the faces of the rest of the group when these 12 assholes failed to return. What the fuck, they were much better off anyway.


September 10

The civil war is over and I am back home with my beloved Silverback Gorillas. The adventures I experienced in Zaire will have to remain a secret between me and my diary. Those bleeding hearts at The National Geographic Society may not approve of the frontier justice I meted out, but fuck them.

September 30

On my return to Rwanda, my long time boyfriend, Shemp, surprised me with a marriage proposal. I am so giddy with happiness. We plan on honeymooning in Uganda as guest of Idi Amin. He is quite a nice chap, but I hope Shemp doesn't get jealous, me and Idi had a fling many years ago.

October 14

This is way too funny. I got a letter from the National Geographic Society. They have asked me to go to Zaire and help investigate the slaughter of 15 rare Congolese Apes.

Dian Fosse kissing her new husband Shemp

 THE END

That's it for today my good friends. Feel free to share this with your friends. I have allowed some of my friends to plagiarize this material and let their kids use it as a book report for their Social Study's Class. I sent it to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington and they sent a Secret Service Agent to my office. My secretary is wise to these incursions by government agencies and gave them the stock reply when they come to the office-"Didn't you hear, the good doctor was killed in a car accident on the week-end!" Then she bursts into tears. Works every time!! Doc