You've seen this couple on the eHarmony ads. That gorgeous piece of ass with a great set of tits and a pair of legs to die for? And the stud who looks like he just walked off a movie set. If these two were having trouble finding a mate then the rest of America is totally fucked! I can only imagine what the majority of subscribers to eHarmony really look like! Here are a few prime examples. So desperate, they are willing to fork over $300 for just an infinitesimal chance they will find someone. They also hope that this person will be just a little less grotesque then they are.
Hi girls. My name is Rudy. I bet you're looking at my picture and wondering why I need to use eHarmony to find a woman! Well, you see, I've been out of circulation for a couple of years all because of some lying mother fucking Boy Scouts. Because of their lies, I did a deuce as a guest of the California Correction Services. I'll swear on a stack of bibles they nailed the wrong Scout Leader. Fuck the DNA evidence. You wanna know something else? They don't treat you so good in prison when your up on some kiddie beef.
I have plenty to offer some lucky lady out there. I am extremely ambitious and driven. Some people may be satisfied with being the assistant chef at the soup kitchen, but not this fellow. The manager at McDonald's says there should be an opening in five or six years and I'll be all over it like flies on shit.
But I have even bigger plans for my future. I'm only six years away from completing my GED. Once that's under my belt, I want to attend medical school. I'm gonna be a snatch doctor! Can you believe that! Getting paid big bucks to play with a woman's pussy! Sweet!
I am very open minded when it comes to sex. I love a good blow job as much as the next guy, but i don't want it to be the next guy I have to blow!! I would like to be on the receiving end for once. I've grown partial to anal sex since my time in prison.
LEO HENDRIX My name are Leo. The nice man at eHarmony gave me a crayon and some paper and said that i shud rite out my histry. The nice man also told me i should lie about me being a total retard! And dont get too carried away with detales such as kriminal behavior and sexual pekuliaritys. I tolled him i dont like fibbing or telling lies. He said okay whatever, its no big fucking deal to him as long as i hand over 300$ in cash! Then he handed me the paper to rite on and said go nuts. I said i am alreddy nuts! Then he said no shit!
So this tale i am telling mite be horrible in nature to sum peeple. And like they say on TV, it may cuntain sex and violence so it is not sootible for childrun.
Firstly womens, i gets the tendency to be extremely violent when i am pissed off. Sumtimes i gets violent for no reason at all, so my new gurlfrend shood be fore-warned and fore-skinned. I is only making a joke about the foreskin cuz i know gurls dont have foreskins unless they're Jewish.
Secondly ladies, I'm a born athlete frum head to the tips of my stubby toes. In fact, according to my dokter, my feets are the most athletic he has ever seen! I have already won a total of 3 Bronze and 2 Sliver Mentals at the Special Olympics. I hold the record for the 100 yard dash in the mongoloid division.It only took me 2 minutes and 66 seconds and i only fell down twice and went the wrong direction four times.
Becuze I are retarded, me and my new wife don't even need to worry about money or getting jobz. Thats cuz I gets a shit load of money from Social Insistence and a Handicap Pension for nothing. Man it is fucking grate being retarded. Many gurls have said I am a real good and passionate kisser. Thats probably becuz I hasn't gotten any teeth.The gurl i falls in luv with doesn;t need to worry about taken birth control pills or wanting me to put rubbers on my pecker becuz i am a mongoloid and mongoloids shoot blanks.
Getting back to me having no teeth. Pleez bare with me cuz itz a reely long and terribal story about my having no teeth!! They wasn't rotten and got pulled. No sirree, they was all pulled out of my mouth when I was locked up in the Gnu Hampshyre State Innertution for the Kriminilly Ensane. I was in the Ensame Assylim becuase I bit some guy's weener off in a really horribal fite. I gotz into the fite with this other guy becuz this fucker was bugging me all the time. Member i told yuo about my xtreme violence? He was a derty fiter and pulled a gun on me just like a nigger dirty fites. He gotz one shot off but i was fortunate cuz it hit me in my forehead so it didnt hurt or do danmage then hiz gun jammed. i dropped him with a left then i dropped his pantz and bit hiz weener off. The judge only gave me one year in this nuthouse because he was retarded too. Not the judge, but the guy who's weener I bit off in the fite! I am very exxellent at sex too! I've been practicing on my room-mate Morris all the time even if he doesn't like it! I will not muve to New York to be with anyone who does fall in luv with me. I went there once and had a good time till some niggers beat up my teecher and the entire special edukation class i was with and stole all our money! I dont no what was so special about the edukation. I didnt learn a fukkin thing! Did yuo know also that New York has a lot of heebrews who wear them doilys on there heads? These kind of peeple think eating pigs is disgusting. If yuo want, yuo kan muve into my group home with me. I asked my staffs at the home and they said my new wife can live hear with all us retards. I don't know why they are always laffing at us tards when we say things like this.
Hey lover, my name is Leticia and I'm a sensuous 18 year old virgin. I bet this glamor shot of me is giving you some major wood! If you're interested in seeing more of me, I have an upload on YouTube of me fingering myself! I was brought up in a very religious home. My father read us scriptures every night before he molested me and my sisters. He said he was giving us examples of evil deeds that will get you a one-way ticket to hell. Wonder where that mother fucker is now that he's dead. The things he did us! Fuck him, I say you only live once, so I'm willing to participate in any kind of kinky shit you can think up. Nothing larger than a butternut squash goes up my butt though. If, by chance, you've seen a porno of a girl blowing a horse, that wasn't me, it was my identical twin sister. I like walks in the park and hanging out in cemeteries at night.
SELENA WILLIAMS
Hi lover! Let me say just two things-suck and fuck. I don't like cooking, cleaning or bathing. I've been told so many times that I could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, I thought I would give it a shot! Guess what? I can! I see nothing wrong with any bi-sexual, bi-racial and bi-species relationships. So if you feel like throwing your dog into the mix, it's alright by me.
Hello, I'm Ron's favorite caregiver. He thinks I'm one of the most sensitive and compassionate guys you could meet, so he asked me to write out this application for him. What a fucking dip-shit. If I wasn't getting paid $40 an hour by his insurance carrier, do you think I would want anything to do with this digusting waste of humanity? Ron is a disgusting fat-body! The butterball is at the present time, porking out at 980 lbs. He can't even type because he has these big, fat, cigar like fingers. For the last few months, he hasn't even been able to talk. Here's what happened with that. His doctor has him on this strict diet, no carbs or red meat and lots of vegetables. I don't know how it works, but these morbidly obese people can gain ten pounds drinking a glass of water. So anyways, as a favor (and a $100 bill he slipped me) I ordered in KFC one night. I put the bucket right next to the bed and went to get some towels to mop the grease of his face and hands. I figured he wouldn't be able to reach it. Being as resourceful as he is fat, he somehow tore the side rail off his bed and skewered the bucket. I guess he heard me coming down the hall and started scarfing the chicken down bones and all. He actually got a drumstick wedged in his throat sideways. I called 911 and the EMTs showed up. Knowing my ass and job were on the line, I had to slip the $100 bill to the medics so they could do an emergency drumstickectomy and keep their mouths shut! The guy managed to fish the bone out using shish kabob skewer bent like a fish hook. If it wasn't for the aforementioned $40 an hour, I would have let the fucker choke to death.
I wouldn't say this to his face, because I'm very sensitive to his feelings, but he is actually more disgusting than he looks in this picture. Rash from his asshole to the middle of his neck. We have to use an elaborate hydraulic system to get him into a bathtub. Then we have to power wash the cocksucker to get rid of the filth he rolls in. The reek that comes from the folds in his lard is enough to kill at cat. In fact, a couple of months ago, we found his pet cat wedge in the crack of his ass. It wasn't dead, but you could tell from the look in it's eyes, it sure wishes it was. The fucker will eat anything within reach, even bugs.
I have no idea what Ron would do with a woman anyways! So if your interested, you might want to give him a mercy hand-job!
