GARTH THE RETARD

SuperGarth

A VERY OFFENSIVE PARODY

Before getting into today's topic, let me make something perfectly clear. I've been professionally involved for many years in the mental health field. Two year into my college education, I took a summer job in a facility for the mentally handicap. It was like stepping into an episode of 'The Twilight Zone'. It was a total mind-fuck with the sights, sounds and smells! The shit I witnessed, both literally and figuratively,  was beyond description and comprehension.

After completing college and post-graduate work, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference in the lives of these individuals. What a colossal waste of fucking time.

Let me make this so clear that even a retard can understand my position. There's an old saying-You can put lipstick on a pig, but at the end of the day, it will still be a pig, Oprah or Ellen! Fuck, as you can tell, I can't stand these two self-centered, egocentric assholes!

This rule of thumb also applies to the mentally retarded. No matter what you do to change them, such as giving them hours of training or mainstreaming them into the school system, at the end of the day, they're still retarded.

Before you go ballistic and think I'm nothing but an insensitive prick, just use some common sense and objectivity when you read this hilarious tale. Although I have said that this is a parody, much of this story is based on fact. There are approximately 2.5 million retards in the U.S., and besides a few token mongoloids you see on TV or in movies, how many famous retards are there? Sure, you have Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage but who else has made it? Paris Hilton? You are far from being classified as a rocket scientist when all you can do is party and suck cock  Pictured on the left is Paris with her adopted son, DeSean. Following in the foot steps of some other celebrity retards, Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie and Madonna, who have gone to Africa to adopt even though there are thousands of American babies rotting away in orphanages, Paris headed to Angola to pick up her own throw-away baby. It seems a conniving spear chucker saw an opportunity to score big time and sold Paris this baby chimp stolen from the Luanda Zoo. Hilton paid a reported $6 million for the little feller. Okay, who else? The entire Khardasian family, you ask? Alright, but anybody else? Lady Gaga you say! Alright, you got me there, but how many more? Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Renee Zellweger....okay, let's forget about the entertainment field.

Kobe Bryant

Well, how about basketball, baseball and football players you ask? I'm referring to people who actually contribute to society! These over paid gang bangers don't count unless you're semi-retarded and idolize these cretins.

Miss Retard USA 2011

There are some very rude people in today's society who have a need and a deep desire to denigrate these poor unfortunates. Referring to them as tards, mongos, pea-brains, dip-shits, fuck-heads, jerk-offs, shit heads, etc. To the vast majority of my professional colleagues, it is plain, simple and very straight forward-they're "Retards".

As difficult as it is to work with retards, you have these cock suckers who have this need to make things more difficult by changing the playing field! Especially when it comes to diagnosing and classifying the many different mental disabilities. This is problem is exacerbated by the 'politically correct' bullshit that has fucked things up royally.

Because of this need to be PC, mental health professionals have found it necessary  to continually change the terminology when it comes to retards. For example, let's take the term mongoloid. How the fuck was this offensive?  The worst case scenario would be if you're a Mongolian and someone mistakes you for a mongoloid. I guess this would be a mind-fuck for sure.

So guess what happens to the term Mongoloid. This prick comes along and decided it was better to say they have "Downs Syndrome". So who the fuck has "Ups Syndrome"?

The worst offenders are these do-gooder community organizations, especially Community Living International. They call themselves advocates for the retarded sector of our society. Do you want to know what an advocate really is? They're the pricks who stand on the side-lines telling everyone else how to do their job. And do they ever do any hands-on work? Not on your fucking life!

I had an encounter with one of these groups recently. They were incensed when I referred to the retards as being 'disabled'. They said they preferred this absurd term 'differently-abled'. I said using the word 'differently-abled' has the connotation that they're able to do something constructive and actually contribute to society. There isn't much demand in the work force for people whose resume includes shitting their pants and/or jerking-off or butt-fucking! One of the members of Community Living said I shouldn't be working with these 'people'! First I said that she as being generous by referring to them as 'people'! Then I added-" I wished the fuck you should have told me this years ago. If I had been working with real 'people' I'd be making a 6 figure salary! So go fuck yourself!"

Besides, it really doesn't matter what you call them because they are much too stupid to care or give a shit. Look at the guy pictured below. Do you think he has anything to worry about? Does he give two shits when it comes to what he is called to his face?

Garth Busey

Let's get to the main topic-Garthism. Having worked in the capacity as a therapist in several institutes, I have come in contact with literally thousands of retards. For whatever reason, at least 80% of them were named 'Garth'. What is even more surprising and intriguing, 15% of them were females!  Several of my colleagues and I were discussing this fact at a weekend retreat for psychologists. After an evening of some very heavy pharmaceutical drug use, followed by copious amounts of vodka and scotch, we made an attempt to hypothesize the reasons and causes of this phenomenon. These were the questions, answers and scenarios we discussed.

• Did the parents know the kid was retarded the minute they laid eyes on it? "Gee, look honey, the kid is retarded! I guess we have to name him Garth!"

• At the moment of birth, the parents excitedly ask-"Doctor, is it a girl or a boy?" The doctor and the nurse both take a good hard look and tell the parents-"It is neither, it's a fucking 'Garth'!  To which the husband replies-"Ah, shit, not another one, we got to quit fucking honey!" 

Garth Heisenberg

• Is it possible that the name Garth is capable of causing retroactive retardation? In 2010, Dr. Heinrich Weizer published a book entitled "Who The Fuck Would Name Their Kid Garth?" In this book, he talks about an actual case study he was involved with while working at the prestigious Klinghoffer Behavioral Science Clinic. This clinic is affiliated with the Harvard Medical School. The case involved the son of Marissa and George Heisenberg. In 1980, they gave birth to a son. It soon became apparent to everyone that this was a child prodigy. For reasons of their own, the Heisenbergs decided to wait till the child was four years old before giving him a first name. 

 In the interim, he was referred to as 'Baby Hebe' by friends and family. This child was extremely gifted. He could play several musical instruments by the time he was two. He was fluent in several language and could do complex math and algebra functions.

Things came crashing down the day after his fourth birthday. 'Baby Hebe' was sitting at the piano playing Mendelson's Piano Concerto in B Flat, when he stopped and said to his parent-"Mother and father, I want to thank you for the wonderful party you had for me yesterday. And I want to thank for the wonder life you have provided for me. To repay for this wonderful opportunity, I plan on becoming a research scientist and curing cancer. I'm also going to become rich and famous and take care of you both. All I ask of you is one more thing. What name have you decided to give me?"

Both parents, bursting with pride, decided that it was the perfect time to give him the name they had thought long and hard before coming to a decision. "Son", said his proud father." your mother and I have decided on the name Garth". And the second the word left his lips, the kid instantly lost all his bodily functions, shitting and pissing his pants and drooling like a mongoloid. He then began to demolish the entire house and contents. Nothing but totally incomprehensible gibberish was coming from his mouth. He was immediate institutionalized, unable to do anything on his own except jerk-off and play with his own feces. Is this proof to confirm the retro-active retardation theorem? My colleagues think that is a distinct possibility!

Famous Irishman Garth McGarth

Here is another fact concerning the retards named Garth. They were by far the most vicious and violent patients I have ever worked with. Piss them off and they'll tear off your head and shit down your neck. They also possess an innate ability for stalking and hunting targets they wanted to destroy.

This is a true story, For several years I worked extensively with a Garth who could become nearly invisible while on a search and destroy mission. Even a brightly lit hallway, devoid of doorways or furniture to hide behind, was of no challenge to his chameleon-like abilities. You wouldn't know he was there until a thundering punch would completely shatter every bone in your face.

They also have a pain threshold that is off the scale! And they completely indestructible and  impervious to injury. I have seen 7 or 8 attendants take down a Garth and try to subdue him by putting their boots to his head only to have the Garth jump up with a grin on his face and begin to tear the attendants apart.

There is nothing more awe inspiring than to watch two Garths going at it, toe to toe, for seven or eight hours-busting tables, chairs, TV sets over each others heads. In one staged battle (downloadable on Youtube), two Garths were actually using other patients as clubs to pummel each other.

If the government could train these guys for warfare, you could send 10 Garths out on a Search and Destroy mission and you would be guaranteed a 100% success rate. If Roosevelt had unleashed a thousand Garths on Japan, he wouldn't have had to nuke them back to the stone-age!