WARNING-EXTREME PARODY *You may find this parody offensive and vulgar, so I will give my standard warning-I don't give a shit. I have had a couple of hundred thousand hits on my two blogs, so someone is finding some amusement in these tales.
CHAPTER 1-THE MYSTERY BEGINS
It started off as a typical Saturday for Joe and Frank. Having recently discovered the fine art of masturbation, the teens had dedicated their entire weekends to jerking-off to their favorite music video. Lately they've been totally into the Jonas Brothers.
"Jesus Christ," grunted Joe, tugging furiously at his pecker and convulsing as he blew his load, "that Kevin is so hot!"
"No shit," said Frank, "Dad told me yesterday that there was a DVD we should get. He said it would be perfect for us because the guy is as big a douchebag as us!"
"You're kidding!" said an excited Joe."Who is it?"
"Dad said his name is Justin Bieber," answered Frank.
"If dad says he's a douche bag like us, then he has to be good. By the way, what the heck is a douche bag?" asked Joe.
Before he could answer the question, the phone rang.
"It's my turn to answer it! It's my turn to answer" screamed Joe like a little bitch as he ran to the phone.
"Hello. Yes, this is the Hardy residence. How are you Chief Conig? No, we aren't busy right now. Me and Frank just finished jacking off. Thank you, Dad also said we are douchbags.You want us to handle a case for you! Yes. Really! That would be so awesome! Me and Frank will get right on it Chief!"
"Frank that was the Chief Colig!" said Joe, trembling with excitement. He says they just received a 911 call from some woman who claims she was being raped! All his detectives are on coffee break so he wants us to investigate it!"
"Oh, my gosh! Hurry up Joe. Let's get going. We better tell dad were going out on a case and get over there right away!", shouted Frank in excitement. "Where the heck is all our detective gear?"
He began to tossing everything in the room, looking for their Junior Detective kit.
"Settle down, Frank. Chief says we should take our time. He said it sounded like the bitch was getting worked over pretty good and there's a good chance she is already dead! Frank? When he said there was some raping going on, what did he mean?" said a puzzled Joe.
"Jeepers, Joe. Raping is a horrible form of singing. Dad says it's done by jungle bunnies who can't sing! Jeepers, Joe! Maybe it's Snort Doggy Doo! We should take our autograph book with us!"
"Yeah. You should be careful with the term jungle bunny. Did you know that Phil Cohen says that jungle bunny is a racist word?" said Joe.
"Fudge him! Dad said Phil is nothing but a kike and we should never believe anything that a kike says to us!" explained Frank.
"What the heck is a kike?" asked Joe.
"Phil and Judge Judy!" said an exasperated Frank. "Quit asking me such confusing questions and help me look for our detective kits."
Yanking all the drawers out of his dresser in desperation, Frank finally found what he was looking for and began to stuff them in his backpack. This included the Official Pee Wee Herman Cum-Stain Kit and Britney Speers Pubic Hair Tweezers.
"We better tell Dad we're on a big case and might not be home for supper!" said Frank.
CHAPTER 2-THE SHIT HITS THE FAN
"Gosh darn it Dad, what the heck is Becky doing to your wiener?" screamed the boys in unison.
"Mother Fucker! I thought I told you retards to knock before you came in here!" sputtered their father.
Fenton Hardy was one of the most respected men in the town of Bayport. If this got out he would be ruined. Thinking quick, he came up with an explanation.
"I was out in the garden when all of a sudden my pants fell down. And before I knew what was happening, a rattle snake jumped out of a bush and bit my penis. Fortunately, Becky heard my screams and came running over to assist me. Being a Girl Guide, she knew I would be dead in minutes if the poison wasn't sucked out!"
"Thank you Becky for saving our father's life!" said a very grateful Frank.
"Jeez, Mr. Hardy, they are douchebags!" stated an incredulous Becky.
"Wow!" enthused Frank, gleefully staring at his brother. "It seems to be unanimous, we're the biggest douche bags in Bayport! Give me five!"
Thankful that his sons were retards, Fenton casually tucked his pecker back in and zipped up his fly. He then took out his wallet and handed Becky a $20 bill. "You should come back tomorrow Becky, I might get bitten by a snake again" he said with a sly wink.
"Sure thing, Mr. Hardy," smirked Becky, tucking the bill in her jeans pocket. "If you boys ever need a snake bite treatment give me a shout. I'll give you a special rate."
Frank explained to his dad the important mission the boys were about to undertake. "Dad, we have a big case to work on and we might not be home for supper. Is that okay?" asked Frank.
"Look, boys, you've mistaken me for someone who actually gives a shit, now would you two get the fuck out of here."
"Thanks, daddy. We knew you would understand," sighed a relieved Frank.
"Are you twats still here? I said get the fuck out," asked Fenton.
"Bye, daddy, we love you," they chorused.
"Stupid fucking shit-heads", he said under his breath.
CHAPTER 3RACING TO THE SCENE
Frank took the bicycle out of the shed and said it was his turn peddle, giving Joe no other option other than to ride bitch. This was an extremely uncomfortable and potentially injurious proposition given the fact that someone had stolen the seat.
As the boys rode through the center of town, they spotted their friends, Phil "The Kike' Cohen and Chet "Perv" Morton in a heated discussion with a very scabby looking woman.
"Whatcha guys arguing about?" asked Frank slowing the bike but not stopping.
"This crack-head whore wants fifty bucks for a hummer!" said an incredulous Chet.
"Chet, you should give her the fifty bucks! That's one heck of a deal" yelled Joe over his shoulder. "They want $20,000 at the Bayport Ford for a used Hummer!"
Somewhat confused by Chet's description of the woman he asked frank a question. "Frank, did you see a crack in her head?"
CSI-HARDY STYLE
The boys pulled up to 124 Elm Street, the scene of the crime. Frank took his feet off the peddles and steadied the bike so Joe could gingerly remove the seat post from his ass. Entering the house, the Boys eyes were insulted by a scene straight out of a horror movie. Exchanging puzzled and perplexing stares, it was apparent to the both of them that they would need some assistance with this case.
Joe listened as the Chief explained a few simple facts to the douche bag. "What's that you say? Really? Well, I'll be darned! You wouldn't kid me would you? Okay. Sorry to bother you during do-nut break. We'll do our best to get the evidence," said a very embarrassed and contrite Joe as he hung up the phone and looked sheepishly at his brother.
"The Chief said that's a vagina! Woman don't have a penis" he explained, staring intently at her crotch. "And that isn't ectoplasm all over her! The Chief says it's called jizz. He wants us to collect a sample without contaminating it and get it to the lab for DNA testing. He also wants us to get some pictures of the woman. He says he wants plenty of beaver shots! He said he can get good money for them on Craig's List. I don't know any Craig, do you?"
"No I don't, but I know a Greg. He hangs around the school taking pictures of the little kids. This case is getting real complicated. Now we're going to have to stake out Miller's Pond and see if we can get some pictures of some beavers," said Frank.
"I that Greg guy you are talking about! He's the guy who got arrested for giving all the Boy Scouts a complete physical exam in the back of his van even though he isn't a doctor," exclaimed an excited Joe.
Frank began to take out the detective kits from his back pack and a Kodak disposable camera. All od a sudden it hit him. He and Joe were going to be like the guys in their favorite show-CSI Miami!
"Joe, I feel like I'm David Caruso, from CSI," he said giggling like a little girl.
"Why shouldn't you. Dad said David is the biggest douche bag on TV. You're both detectives and douche bags."
Frank began snapping several pictures while Joe began to pluck pubic hairs from the the dead woman.
Then Joe realized that they had an unforeseen problem. The Chief said he wanted an uncontaminated jizz sample. How are we going to do that he wondered? He then remembered he had two juice boxes in his back pack. Taking them out of the pack, he peeled off the straws and handed one to Frank.
"We can use these to collect the jizz samples. You get some from her face and I'll work on her vagina."
Both put the straws in their mouth and moved into position and began to collect the samples.
"Holy Smokes, this stuff smells horrible!" said Frank, nearly heaving, the straw dangling precariously from his lips.
"It tastes even worse!" squawked Joe, as he spat out the straw and a mouthful of the viscous fluid. He then began puking all over the crime scene.
Completely indifferent to his brother's predicament, Frank held up the straw and tried to determine if they had a sufficient amount for testing. "Hey Joe, think this is enough jizz?" asked Frank.
With tears running down his cheeks and sweat beading his forehead, Joe glanced over at Frank and grunted, "If not, be my guest and help yourself," he said as he staggered out the door and collapsed in the front yard, dry heaving.
A little bit pissed off at his brother for leaving his post, Frank finished off the investigation.
"I think were all set. Let's get the evidence to the lab. Are you okay Joe?" asked a concerned Frank.
"Frank, I don't think I want to be a detective anymore," said Joe with tears in his eyes.
"Joe, I think you're a pussy! Now get your ass on the bike! The Chief is going to have to wait for the beaver shots. It's getting dark and the beavers are probably gone to bed."
Getting back on the bike they headed for the lab. They walked up to a guy wearing a white lab coat with a name tag. Frank handed him the straws and the roll of film and explained that it was the evidence they collected for the Chief. "George, can you process this real quick, it's very important!" said Joe.
"No problem with the roll of film, but what's in the straw? said George, assistant manager of the Wal-Mart Photo Labs, as he took a sniff and disgustingly threw the straws to the floor. "Is this cum, you fucking cock-suckers?"
HARDY BOYS GET GREASED
Two weeks later there was a knock on the Hardy household door. Frank answered it and was surprised to see not only Chief Colig, but several of his deputies and some men who looked like Federal Officers.
"I have good news and bad news for you boys. The good news, we have solved the case and are going to send the scum-bags to jail for a very long time. The bad news? From the evidence gathered, it seems that the scum-bags are you and Joe! Your fucking DNA was all over the place."
"Dad, dad, please come here and help us!" screamed the boys, knowing their father would get them out of this jam.
Fenton strolled out of his den, zipping up his pants and handing Becky another $20. "What's going on here? What's with the cuffs on my boys?" inquired Fenton.
"Well, Fenton, unless you can alibi your boys here, they are going to be charged with rape and murder," explained the Chief.
"Well, Chief, I always knew they were rotten little pricks. If you look in the garden, you'll find my wife's body. I didn't want to say anything, but this time you boys have gone too far. Get them out of my sight," said Fenton.
Joe and Frank were charged, tried and found guilty of both murders. Nobody took into consideration that the boys were only toddlers when their mother disappeared.
THE END
In the coming weeks we have 3 more books for your sons and daughters to read. They include-
"CASE OF THE TOKYO BAY GAYS"
"The boys head to Japan for international intrigue, espionage and some very strange escapades with Hans and Jorge Takamoru, the illegitimate twin sons of their father, Fenton. While on R&R during the Viet Nam war, Fenton knocked up a mentally retarded Japanese prostitute. When Joe and frank go to visit the twins, they get into a dust up with some Japanese greasers out for a night of good old gay bashing.
"HARDY BOYS-THE UNDERCOVER COONS"
The Hardy Boys are recruited by the DEA to go undercover as Negroes and try and bust up an gang of Somalian pirates posing as Green Peace Activist. The Somalians are smuggling in fags from Angola in exchange for John Deere tractors which they sell to an Israeli arms dealer for cigarettes. Unfortunately things go from bad to worse for these hapless dickheads. First they get their half brothers, Hans and Jorge killed by Gay Activist in San Francisco. Then their best friend, Phil 'The Kike' Cohen is murdered by P. Diddy's entourage. The Hardy's do a really bad job of disguising Phil as a pimp. Phil mistakenly calls P Diddy, Snoop Dogg and asks him how his porn business is going?
The Hardy Boys are all grown up and have a score to settle with Nancy Drew. She snubbed them in one of her books-"Nancy Drew Tells The Hardy Boys To Go Fuck Themselves". After doing hard time in Bayport Penal Colony for murder (see Douche Bag Detectives), they lure Nancy to Bayport under the subterfuge of helping them solve a case. It involves the murder of Chief Conig, the judge who sent them to jail, the prosecutor and their father. After drugging Nancy, they hold her captive in Chet Morton's house and gang bang her for a couple of weeks before selling her into prostitution in Albania.
Have a good one.
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