OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB PARODY

CHUBBY'S PICKS FOR 2010

The beefy one looked totally wasted after her recent vacation to Yosemite National Park with her gal-pal Gayle. Rumor has it they spent many a sleepless night in their tent taking turns being the little Dutch Boy-stinking the finger in the dyke.  The first order of business for porky upon her return to Chicago was to release her Book List for 2011. Not surprising, all the authors are her friends, women and/or minorities. Mark Dressler of the New York Times was quoted-"Just a total waste of time! Not even one good picture to jerk off to!".


"FUCK WHITEY" by ANGALOU MAYA

Maya on the Riviera

Maya has made Oprah's list every year since it's inception. 'Fuck Whitey' is a real good read for those who hate crackers.

• 'Fuck Whitey' is a comprehensive diatribe outlining the crimes against humanity committed by Whitey dating back to Cro-magnon man. She praises the work of Dr. Julius Bowjhangles, Professor Emiritus, Nairobi Community College and lead-singer of "The Real Young Cannibals". The good doctor discovered some cave paintings in Botswana that date back 2 million years and lend credence to what the entire world knows, Whitey has been a racist pig since the dawn of man. One set of pictures illustrate a fucking cracker caveman putting up a 'for sale' sign in front of his cave after some Blacks left their tree house and moved into the cave next to his.

• She has a chapter on 'Kenya Man', the fossilized remains discovered by famed anthropologist, Richard Leakey. Maya asks who gave this mother-fucking honky the right to go around Africa digging holes and desecrating the Black Man's hood? When Dr. Leaky dug up Kenya Man, he was slumped over the wheel of a crude and rudimentary vehicle similar to the car Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble drove. There was some major damage done to the front end. In Kenya Man's left hand was a fossilized pipe. Upon analysis of the residue in the pipe turned out to be a very high-grade opiate. Dr. Leaky hypothesized that Kenya Man was totally fucked-up on 'neolithic crack' and had wrapped his Flintstonemobile around the only tree in a 600 mile radius.

• She has an insightful chapter on those 'pasty-faced cunts', the Brits, who invaded Africa and turned it into one huge cotton plantation. After kicking their lily-white asses off the continent, African leaders got back to returning it to a cesspool of violence and poverty. Maya praises Robert Mugabe for his brilliant political tactics that included rape, murder and ethnic cleansing. Mr. Mugabe has re-established Zimbabwe as the poorest nation in the world after some low-life honkies had made it the richest nation in the Dark Continent. To put this into perspective, the average income of a Zimbabwean makes a Haitian look like Donald Trump.

• Maya goes into one her biggest rants against Twitter, Facebook and other internet sites. They are conspiracy sites, developed by some ruthless, cock sucking, butt-fucking Honkey to keep Black people occupied and out of school and their jobs.

"SHE'S PHAT AND LIKES TO PHUCK" by PARIS HILTON

Paris' biography tells the intriguing tale of a rich girl, who progresses from being born with a silver spoon in her mouth and replacing it with a cock in her teen years.

• She talks about the harrowing experience doing hard time in LA County Jail. There were plenty if darkies in there she opined.

•  Paris discusses why every American isn't as rich as her. "If I can be born the grand-daughter of one of the richest men in the world, why can't everyone else?" 

• She talks about the disastrous career moves of some of Hollywood's biggest stars. She weighs-in on Pee Wee Herman. "Jacking-off is so gross. What was he thinking? Everyone knows that a blow-job is much more artistic and classy!" 

• Paris makes reference to the bitter feud with Nicole Ritchie-"I had no idea she was a nig...a Black person!"

"MY SON THE MUSHUGA" by AARON WEISMEN

The hilarious adventures of Aaron Weismen, who immigrated from Israel to the United States, are outlined in this biography. To show his appreciation to his new home country, he and his wife decide to adopt an Afro-American boy. The social worker with the adoptive agency is a Black woman who is not very enthusiastic about this arrangement. She makes a request of the Weismens. give him a name that is reflective of his ethnicity. She suggests a name that is incomprehensible and virtually unpronounceable. Mr. & Mrs. Weismen make a compromise and name him Malcolm X.

• To ensure that Malcolm has a good education, the Weismens enroll him in what they think is a prestigious private school-The Orion School of New Orleans. The Weisman's limited ability with the English language is their downfall. The school is actually the Aryan School of New Order. Malcolm returns home a Nazi skin-head.

• Things really take a funny twist when the Weismans take Malcolm to Israel so he can meet his extended new family and spend some quality time at a kibbutz. At the Ben Gurion Airport, Grandma and Grandpa Weisman both shit their pants when they meet their new grandson. No one informed them that he was Black and a skin-head. There is a serious security glitch that almost gets the entire Weisman clan annihilated-Malcolm's T-shirt (see above picture).

• At the kibbutz, Malcolm leads the other teens in a sing song around the camp fire. He's revised the lyrics to the song 'Kumbaya'. It included the line "Whitey's dying, Lord, Kum-ba-ya".

FLABBY GABBY & THIRSTY KIRSTY COOKBOOK

Oprah said it best-"The fact that two women, who's combined weight precludes them from getting on an elevator together, can put out a cookbook with their picture on the front is testament to the fact that America doesn't give a fuck about self-esteem. Here are two of Oprah's favorite recipes-



MOTHER-FUCKER CHICKEN

• 8-10 lb. roasting chicken
• stuff the chicken with the crispy skin removed from 12 pieces of KFC chicken, 1 lb. of chocolate chips and enough tapioca powder to make the shit stick together.
• bake for 4 hours basting regularly with marshmallow sauce.
• Remove from oven and let sit for 10 minutes (if you can resist the temptation to tear into it) Frost with 4 cans of your favourite Betty Crocker Icing.

Serves two.

DING DONG DESSERT

Place 12 Ding Dongs on a plate (substitute Twinkies if you prefer). Smother with the drippings from the Mother Fucker Chicken. A great individual dessert.