***Don't bother even starting if you are easily offended. This pure twisted humor and parody. And this is with no apologies to Stephen King. I was once a fan of Stephen, but after "The Shining" I think Stephen clued into the fact that the retardation of the American reader began. He knew he could type out any kind of shit and it was a best seller. So this is not only a parody, it is a homage to the best ghost/horror story written in modern American literature. It's too bad both movies done on this book sucked.
DAY 1-JACK
Jack was sitting across from Stuart Ullman, manager of the Overlook Hotel. Ullman was a little concerned with some of the information Jack had included in his resume.
"Jack, while you were on staff at three different upscale military and private schools, you were investigated for alleged molestations. I don't know how you managed to stay out of jail! We have a reputation to maintain at this prestigious hotel. I really can't see any chance of me hiring you for the caretaker job. My God, didn't any of the parents of these boys press charges?" said a disgusted Ullman.
"It's this way Mr. Ullman, I never touched any of the kids! I was molesting the janitors!" said an indignant Jack. "A guy with a mop gives me a boner!"
"Jesus Christ, why didn't you say so?" said a very relieved Ullman. "I did a couple of tours in the navy myself!" Ullman jumped out of his chair and gave Jack the super secret Navy handshake.
"Before you decide to accept this job, Jack, some really disturbing shit has gone down here. The last man we hired sort of went ape-shit and slaughtered his wife and kids before killing himself!"
"That's really fucked up, man! I've heard that cabin fever can make a man go absolutely ape shit," said an astonished Jack.
"We sort of ruled out cabin fever," said Ullman, starting to get a little uncomfortable discussing the incident.
"How else can you explain?" asked Jack, puzzled by Ullmans uneasiness. "They're all dead and there wouldn't be anyone to say otherwise. That is unless the guy left a note?"
"Well, you see, it took place in the parking lot five minutes after they got here," explained Ullman. In an attempt to steer the conversation to another subject he asked Jack, "Wanna know what was the scariest thing that happened in this place?"
"I can only imagine what it could be," Jack said, his interest suddenly piqued and thoughts of the slaughtered family quickly dispelled.
Ullman rose from his chair and asked Jack to follow him to the door. Opening it up, he pointed to an elegant couch located by the entranceway to the hotel.
"See that couch over there?" Ullman asked, his voice cracking, sweat beading his forehead, his skin turning an ashy gray. "It was ten years ago almost to the day. It was about 3 a.m. and I was working late. There were no other staff on duty and the two security guards were out doing rounds. Just a few night lights were on." His breathing was heavy now and he looked like he was going to faint. "I had just locked my door and as I turned to leave, out of the corner of my eye, I saw two dark figures sitting on the couch. They were whispering to each other in these God-awful voices. The first thing that crossed my mind was that this had to be a scene from a Stephen King novel. Then I realized that they were the ugliest people that walked the earth. Thank Christ the security guards showed up just then. Fuck me, I nearly shit my pants."
"Jesus Christ!" said an astonshed Jack. "Who the fuck were they?"
"It was that cocksucker Stephen King and his wife Tabitha! Who the fuck comes to a resort hotel on the last day of the season at three in the morning? What the fuck were they thinking? I had the security guard pistol whip them both and throw them out the fucking door!"
Wendy was sitting at the kitchen table, lost in thought. She was trying to read a book but she just couldn't concentrate. If Jack didn't get this job they would be completely fucked. He would never be able to teach again because of what happened at the schools. Jack tried to convince her he was molesting little boys. "Bull shit!" she said out loud. She knew he was butt-fucking the janitors. It was the fucking Navy.
Looking around the dump they were living in, she thought about the time when Jack was teaching at the private schools, they lived in relative luxury. Now, because Jack wasn't making enough money to pay the rent, he made a deal with the manager. To subsidize the rent, Wendy would blow the manager every Tuesday and Saturday. Jack had even made a similar deal with the Domino's Pizza. Every Friday the would get three specialty pizza for a blow job. She even had to blow the delivery guy otherwise Jack would have to make a pick-up. She noticed that the apartment was very quiet. Where was Danny, she wondered.
"Hey Danny? Where are you?" she shouted. "You better not be in the laundry room sniffing my dirty panties!"
"Jeezus, mom! That's dad's job. I'm in the bathroom!" Danny replied.
"I'm sorry, but I hope your not jerking-off! You'll go blind" she admonished.
"Don't be gross mom! I'm only six and I don't even know what jerking-off is!" said Danny. How the fuck did I end up with parents like this? They have got to be the biggest fuck-ups in the world.At least I'm completely normal he thought to himself. He then went into a trance and began to talk to the index finger on his right hand.
"Not bad, how are you?" asked Danny.
"Well, Danny, I'm only a finger. How the fuck should I be? Concerning what your mother just said, I wonder if you could do me a real, big favor?" asked the finger, with some concern in his voice.
"Sure, what's the favor?" asked Danny.
"When you finally figure out what jerking-off is, could you be a pal and use your left hand!?!" pleaded Mr. Finger.
"Sure thing. How are things going with my dad? Do you know if my dad will get the job at the Overlook?" Danny asked.
"Oh, he's going to get the job. Nobody, not even a nigger, would want this job!" said the finger.
"Why doesn't anyone want this job?" asked Danny, getting really scared.
"I'll make it real simple for you! Your mom and dad are crazier than shit house rats! You're going to be spending four months, snow-bound and isolated in a creepy hotel! There's no TV, radio or way out! There are nothing but monsters and ghosts...........!
Mr. Finger didn't finish what he was going to say because Danny let out a shriek then passed out on the floor.
Running from the kitchen to see what was happening, Wendy stopped dead in her tracks and let out a painful moan. "Oh my Lord, what in the world is going on here? Who left those fucking shit stains all over the toilet bowl?" Nudging Danny with her toe, she gave him some motherly advice. "Get up you little prick. You better get up, get yourself a rag and clean that shit up!"
She then returned to the kitchen to have a cup of coffee and a smoke.
CHAPTER WHATEVER
"What the fuck is wrong with that kid, Wendy! I don't know where he got it from, my family was completely normal," said Jack, polishing off a quart of whiskey and breaking the empty bottle over the kid's head.
His foot slipping off the brake, the car shot forward and crushed a couple of tourists and a bellhop between his car and a Jaguar. Without missing a beat, Jack headed for the lobby to talk to the manager, Stuart Ullman. "Wendy, take the fucking luggage out and clean the blood off that little shit and meet me in the hotel."
Entering the lobby, Jack spotted Ullman near the reception desk, Jack stumbled towards him, crashing into an old lady. She flipped over an ornamental planter and crashed hard on the marble floor. The distinctive snapping of her hip could be heard across the entire lobby.
"Sorry about that chief," snickered Jack as he stooped down, picked up her purse and casually removed her cash.
"That's gotta fucking hurt!" said Ullman, as he took Jack's hand and gave it a hearty shake.
Jack noticed the head cook, Dick Hollaran, standing over by the receptionist, his hands all over the ass of some young chick. "I heard you had ghosts here, but I didn't realize you had spooks, too," he slurred.
"That's a good one, I'll have to remember that one. That's Dick, the token black. Stephen King always includes one them in all his novels. He'll be showing your wife and kid around while I get you up to speed," explained Ullman. "Hey, Dick, get your hands off the girl's ass and show the lady and her son the kitchen?"
"Goddamn it, Dick, quit fucking around and show them the kitchen!" screamed Ullman. "Okey dokey, Jack, let's give you a quick tour of the hotel."
Pushing the button for the elevator, Ullman began telling Jack about the rich history of the Overlook.
"Besides the unfortunate incident with the caretaker in the parking lot, this place has had more than it's share of unfortunate incidents and bad luck. We had a few murders, a couple of suicides and several sexual assaults," sadly explained Ullman.
"That seems like an awful lot of grief for an 80 year old hotel!" said an amazed Jack.
"80 years! That was this summer," chimed Ullman, as the elevator opened and they both got in.
"Stuart, who are those two weird little bitches standing in the corner of the elevator," said a puzzled Jack.
"Who were they?" said Jack.
"A few years back another caretaker went absolutely nuts. His name was Grady. He also chopped his kids up!" said Ullman. "I hope you have got something to occupy your time Jack."
"I was thinking about writing a screenplay and I like to jerk-off three or five times a day," said an enthusiastic Jack.
"That should fill up your time!" said Ullman.
I need to take a break, so that is it for this edition of my blog. The next installment is filled with all kinds of weirdness and sickness. Doc
No comments:
Post a Comment